In the beginning...there was fat

Today is a beginning. 

I went to the gym and worked out. 

I've done it before...but this time is different. 

It NEEDS to be different.  I have so many things that I want and the only way to get them is to lose weight. 

*I turn 40 on my next birthday.  I have been heavy on every birthday since I was a child.  I've NEVER known what it's like to be thin.  I want to hit that birthday having new knowledge and a thin body.

I've been told what a pretty face I have all my life.  The unsaid insult floats in the air...your body is another thing...you'd be pretty if you weren't fat...what a pity the rest of you isn't pretty like your face.

Sometimes the insult isn't unsaid.  Words with barbs are slung at me, ripping as they pass.  Rocks of disparagement are hurled at my over-sized form, bruising soul more than body.

I want to know what it's like to feel good about my body and not have backhanded insults hidden in the pockets of my compliments. 

*I have diabetes and have become insulin dependent in the last year.  Weight loss might get me off the minimum of 4 (maximum of lots more) shots of insulin a day.  I hate being poked and prodded and bled and stabbed all day every day.  It's like I'm being punished for my weight.  I want it to stop.

*I want to be a mother.  I had stopped ovulating because of my erratic blood sugar.  I have had several miscarriages.  All my life I've wanted to be a mom...and my own body has made it impossible so far.  I want a fighting chance to make this dream come true before it's completely and irrevocably too late.  My husband and I are going to look into adoption...but my dream has always been to take part in creating a new life with God. I have always seen it as such an honor and beauty that women get to work hand in hand with our Creator making an Eternal being.  (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139:13-15&version=NIV)

This blog is something I've wanted to do, but have been to scared to do.  I don't let people know how much I weigh. My own husband has no idea. It's been my burden and shame all my life.  It's very difficult to share for all to see...perhaps to ridicule.  I've felt that pain and don't want to put myself out there with a big target to make it easier for the thoughtless and the heartless.

But I have to make a change.  It has to begin and I want it to begin now.

Today, I weighed at the gym.  It's not the heaviest I've ever been....but it's the heaviest I ever want to be for the rest of my life. 

248.5

I'm 5'4" in shoes...officially I'm 5'3 and 5/8ths"...way too short to weigh so very much.

My heaviest was 276.  I wanted to die.  And I slowly was headed that way.

248.5   That is going to change....starting today.